(Vol. VI, 2009, Auburn vs. Arkansas, Reynolds Razorback Stadium, Fayette Nam,10 October, 2009)
And Lo, didst the people of the Tiger invade the land of the barefoot inbred intent on conquest, and undaunted by the Boy King, Lame of the Kiffins. King Chizik stood defiantly at battle’s start, and scoffed aloud at the toothless nation, who dared to decree the ban of the Battle Walk. “Ye shall deny of us the right to assemble peaceably, to walk into battle, and to speak in freedom? Ye shall desecrate the blood of freedom which our forefathers spilled? Then we shall march violently amid thy wretched one hundred thousand, casting them aside as if gnats upon the loins of the Tiger.” And striding proudly didst he march unto the Gates of Neyland, parting the sea of dreamsicle orange as thousands of Tiger crusaders poured into the battlefield. And there, in blinding speed didst the Tiger assault unfurl before a panorama of bloodied Vols in tears upon the checkered gridiron. As battled raged on without ceasing didsts enemy warriors by the dozens drop dead in the vise grip of suffocation. Oh, Fatigue, foolmaker of the unworthy, and friend of the proud Tiger!
And Lo, at battle’s climax, didst our ground forces strike the loudmouthed, Eric the Rapper, who bore the number fourteen, with the battering ram of Ben. Crushed was he as if a sparrow, his carcass left for the birds of prey. Ne’er again shall he speaketh with the arrogance of the conqueror, nor shall he challenge the army of the burnt orange and navy blue.
The smell of weakened prey rose amid the Knoxburg air, and the Tiger circled, closed in, and brought a swift death to the Kiffin charges.
And without great pause, nor celebration, hath King Chizik led the army of the righteous to a still darker, loathsome land, which few have navigated . . . the Land of the Swine, Fayette Nam. From ancient battle lore riseth the legend of the People of the Pig, also known as the Whoo-Soo-Wee Tribe, Squealing louder and louder from the Land of Willy the Slick. This squatty, overfed, mud-wallowing brood hath been given in servitude unto a mercenary war lord, whose sharpened stiletto is stained with the blood of King Tubs. Led now by a Dark Prince of Deceit, mercenary of many lands, and wanted for treason in our fair land and many others – Backstabber Bob. Many are the snorting ones who hath in their sty of slop pledged allegiance unto the Dark Lord, King Bobby of the Petrinos, for desperate is this vile band of hogs to win the respect of the conqueror. One year thenceforth didst the People of the Pork banish and exile their failed King Nutt Case, who himself practiced deceit. In folly, didst King Nutt banish the genius of the battlefields, Gus of the Malzahns, and shall the Hog Nation face a day of atonement for the sins of their fathers, one day henceforth.
Oh, Darwinian process, shower thy mercies on these southern wastelands, and select from out of nature this swine from our continent! Verily, instead of cowering in shame, which wouldst befit the curse of a dirt groveling species, they sing proudly of their razored backs, and pugged snouts, and dub swinely names upon their hog-nosed offspring. Aporkalypse Now, Hawgustus Caesar, Hammy Davis, Rooster Hogburn, Hideke Pigsooie, Notorious P.I.G. Bemused, confused, oinking and snorting, even as the honorable tribes laugh in mockery and scorn. Few are their conquests, devoid of crowns their kingdom, and commanding fear from few.
Of envy is this enemy’s hatred born, and their challenge unto King Chizik issued, for they gaze upon our unattainable maidens, who wouldst reject the porkly warrior. And condemned as they are to their homely cow-hogs, each yellow faced, wrinkle cheeked, and bushy browed. Bleary eyed and black chinned, and yea, verily, upon their faces the unsightly stubble of a beard.
But Lo, in sweet Auburn is the chant of the victor heard, and strong is its sound across the Loveliest Village, home of the unvanquished. There, hath our people gathered in praise, and homage unto the gridiron gods, our prayer and supplication for victory in the land of Spam and Ham lifted high.
And born on the wings of the Eagle, didst this message, enscribed upon an coonskin, arrive unto the Loveliest Village. Before the gathering throng at the Corner of Toomer, didst the town cryer read thusly:
“I give unto thee, People of Auburn, this message from our victorious King Chizik . . . Great and proud People of fair Auburn, we didst march unchallenged in the Land of Neyland and slay the enemy amid thy shouts and victory cheers. We march onward, with a sacred purpose to rid these wastelands of the unworthy. Good women and children of the Plains, retreat now unto safe haven, for unclean are these mud-wallowing swine and their slaughter unfit for the young. Many shall be the fallen hogs, and bloody shall be the butchering – yet victorious shall we stand. We shall return, two days henceforth, and gather before the ancient oaks for the victor’s welcome! Ready thy sacred rolls of paper, and brew the victory grog, for unready shall this squatty breed be found for the assault which cometh tomorrow!”
Lo, shall the god of the snot bubble and the belly grunt smile, and shall King Chizik slaughter the hogs. And marching to battle’s summit, shall King Chizik summon King Bob, and drawing his mighty sword, lop off the head of the Betrayor.
And returning to the holy land of the Tiger, shall the ghastly hog be impaled upon a spit, and roasted before the singing throngs of orange and blue-clad faithful. And the women and children shall be summoned from hiding to join in song and dance. And for many nights shall the People of the Tiger replenish their strength in feasts of bacon and of sausage, ham and spam, victory smoke rising into the cool Auburn night!
Amen.
Manly Tiger
Auburn Tigers 45 Pig Sooie 27
