(Vol. VII, 2009, Auburn vs. Kentucky, Jordan-Hare Stadium, 17 October, 2009)
And Lo, didst the proud warriors of the Plains march unto ambush in the land of Willy the Slick, Fayette Nam. A dread curse was purveyed unto the dark lord of the Hogly nation, King Bobby the Backstabber, and its poisonous spell cast upon the Tiger warriors even as they slept in battle preparation. Elusive is the Dark Lord from the long arm of the law, wanted in many lands for crimes of treason, and welcomed by no land save the mutant land of the Swine, for subhuman is this species.
Sleepwalking in the elixir of the venomous curse didst we enter battle, our warriors stumbling in aimless stupor, bungling and fumbling where once we had dashed and roared, smashed and scored. Blunted were the broadheads of our once lethal arrows, and unchallenged was the ghastly swine marksman, Drago the Giant.
Six days hath our song of lamentation fallen in the drizzle of October upon the Loveliest Village. Amid this defeat hath our people receded into their dwellings, and the smack talk of the conqueror gone silent. But Lo, it is with divine purpose, not destruction, the sting of defeat, and the angel of the victor, sent by the gods who even now smile upon our land, hath whispered this truth unto King Chizik. He hath purified with holy water the foul venom of the Dark Lord, and awakened now is each warrior, resolute in his cause, and pressed onward by the anger of the righteous. Gathered as one, the army of the burnt orange and navy, didst they stand heads bowed, as King Chizik stepped from the shadows. And Lo, before the wide eyes of his army, didst King Chizik draw his sharpened sword, raise it aloft with both arms, and thrust it deep into a solid rock amid the tribal gathering, and spaketh thusly:
“On this day, shall this be known as the Sword of Rocker, our brave general who humbly doth serve, and whose mere visit upon the ancient battlefield didst send the unworthy foe in flight. No warrior who dares to wear the orange and blue shall enter battle without touching this sword, and pledging only bloodthirsty ferocity in the arena of Tiger battle. Nor shall he cry in pity of the enemy outnumbering our army, for it is the glory of battle which fills the Tiger’s spirit, not the certainty of victory. Be it understood, brothers all, that should a warrior touch the Sword of Rocker, but be of false intent – he shall be struck instantly dead. And Lo, never again shall the name of the Tiger be blasphemed by the sight of hapless, fat, fumbling or frightened warriors. And though defeat may mark the honorable warrior, never dishonor. Come forth, now only ye manly, and depart ye soft skinned, to be banished from the land of the Tiger evermore.”
And then, didst every warrior one by one arise, and as if aglow in the fire of conviction, and placing his right hand on the sword, didst utter the oath of the Rocker. And there, didst an Angel of Strength visit the fallen warriors, and the spirit of David entereth, which legend holds is passed in secret to the troubled heart of the defeated warrior, restoring him in strength and courage.
And on this day, with a Mild Cat prowling the outskirts of our homeland, intent on invasion, I prophesy not of doom. A plan, sacred in its foundation, crafted by the gridiron gods yet transcending human understanding, unfolds before thy sinking eyes. Great shall be its story, and untold the riches of conquest it bestows on our fair land. It shall sweep many strong and swift warriors in its wake unto this good land.
Return unto the Field of Dye, before nightfall, one night henceforth, where we have slain all invading foes, and shall again. Be not silent, and envelope in deafening roar the unworthy Cats, who dwell in the Land of Hoops, and hath angered the gridiron gods with the idolatry of the roundball. They shall see, and believe, the might of Malzahn, in the blinding light of the field of Jordan and Hare. Caught unawares, and defenseless shall be the Mild Cats, battered beyond recognition by a pounding ground assault and renewed aerial attack, dying with but a meow at battle’s end.
And with victory assured, shall the cry of the Eagle of War return, and shall King Chizik declare a night of rejoicing, and shall victory grog be swilled, cheer-wenches cheer, and dance-maidens dance, sweet smoke of the victor riseth up, and tissue be tossed long into the clear, cool night.
And verily, shall we ride again unto the road of the conqueror, to the Land of the Corn Dog, vile swamp of the unholy, the Stick of Red. And there in the night air of the drunken Cajuns, before the watchful eyes of the pigskin nation, shall the sacred plan turn its next page. And the People of the Plains shall smile.
Amen.
Manly Tiger
Auburn Tigers 42 Kentucky Mild Cats 6
